An email to Kris Humphries

Kris,

What’s up man, how are things? I’m not sure if you’re going to end up playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers next season, but Twitter has been saying you might. Which is why I thought now might be a good time to talk. Yep, it’s about that first time we met. I know it’s been eating you alive on the inside too. It’s all good though, that’s why I’m writing you this, so we can clear the air.

You were pretty rude that first time we met, but I understand more now where you were coming from. You see, I don’t watch reality television, and somebody already has the People Magazine every time I go to the dentist. I didn’t understand the totality of what you were going through with that show and everything. I shouldn’t have even asked you about doing that interview this past season, my bad on that. 

The thing was though, Hump, I did go up to you before your game in Cleveland and ask about it first. Real professionally, remember? I introduced myself to you, and told you I was looking to do a brief Q+A about your thoughts on the season. I even knew enough about the other stuff to specifically say I would only ask basketball related questions. Truth is, I wouldn’t have even known what to ask about the other stuff because I never watched your show before. 

I actually tweeted during the game you played in Cleveland that it made no sense for Cavs fans to being booing you because of whatever happened on your show. You don’t know that, because you don’t follow me on Twitter, but that’s cool too. I did have your back. Even after you punked me, I still believe that you are a bizarre person for Cleveland sports fans to boo. I actually gave you credit for hooking up with her in the first place, and still do if I’m being honest about it. 

But getting back to what happened, why you rubbed me the wrong way about the whole thing, was that you told me pregame that you were down to do the interview. You were even real cool about it actually. You slapped me five, gave me that handshake that made me think we were friends, and told me to check in with you after the game. I thought we were all good, and to be honest I was kinda pumped. But I think you might have been messing with me in retrospect.

So anyways, after you told me you were down, and the game ended, I rolled back over to your locker postgame. You were eating that plate of food, remember? Staring directly down at it while I walked over and stood in front of you. You had that PR guy assigned to your locker standing there. Not a happy person that guy. And if you didn’t want to do an interview, right then is when you should’ve said it. Or he could’ve said it. Not a big deal. But I know you know that now.

If you do get traded to Cleveland, I’ve already decided to blame that PR guy entirely for the whole episode. I’m not blaming you for what happened next if you end up playing for the Cavs. Primarily because you are a good to great rebounder who is also an adequate scorer, and that you’ve averaged a double-double over the last two seasons. I respect that, which is why I’m blaming the PR guy. He definitely did land the first verbal shot, and you did kinda play off his lead anyways.

So if you forgot, I said this to you while standing in front of your locker postgame: “Kris, Brendan here, we talked pregame? Is now a good time to answer a couple questions?” You didn’t say anything. You didn’t look up either. You stared at your plate of food. I was three inches away from you, and began to feel really awkward. So then I looked up at our buddy, the PR guy, and repeated the question I just asked while directing it now at him: “We talked pregame, Kris and I, and I was just wondering if now was a good time to answer a couple questions. Does Kris have a chance to talk?”

What you guys hit me with from there felt rehearsed. It was like a routine. I didn’t even want to interview you anymore by this point, but I just felt like I was in too deep to back-out now. And then you guys let me have it. First the PR guy opened with this: “You asked if there is a chance you talk with Kris, that right?” I nodded my head, then said yeah. To which he responded: “How’s no chance sound? No chance.” Which wasn’t cool at all Kris, and you then made it worse.

That’s when you finally looked up from your food for the first time. Then you said: “Sounds like no chance, bro”. Sounds like no chance, bro. That line stung a little bit. I talk with guys from your League all the time and nobody else talks like that. Which is why I then asked you guys: “Was all that completely necessary, fellas? Why didn’t you just said no from the beginning?”

But I’m writing you this email, Kris, because I want you to know all that is in the past on my end. The truth is, even though I claim to not know about reality television, somewhere in the back of my mind I was probably thinking that an interview with you would get some attention that typical NBA interviews don’t receive. So that’s not cool of me. I also should’ve just bailed when you didn’t look up from your plate of food. I did kinda walk right into that thing, and that’s why I’m sorry too. 

If you come to Cleveland, and average a double-double, I’ll launch a grass-roots campaign to get you into the All Star Game or something. All good. Hit me on Twitter when you get this.

Thanks bro,

Brendan

Brendan Bowers

About Brendan Bowers

I am the founding editor of StepienRules.com. I am also a content strategist and social media manager with Electronic Merchant Systems in Cleveland. My work has been published in SLAM Magazine, KICKS Magazine, The Locker Room Magazine, Cleveland.com, BleacherReport.com, InsideFacebook.com and elsewhere. I've also written a lot of articles that have been published here.

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